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"Imitation Cheese"

I just had my first and, might I add, very unpleasant experience with “imitation cheese”.

I am a cheese-lover, as are most gluttonous Americans like myself, and I can’t think of one legitimate reason that imitation cheese would have to exist in the first place. It isn’t for vegan reasons, because on the back of the package it states “contains milk”.

I just don’t get it.

The reason that it even ended up in our shopping cart was because we’re excessively poor, what with the loss of our jobs, and it was cheaper to buy this fake, but still made with milk, cheese in place of the real thing.

Never. Again.

We also bought little cheap individual frozen pizzas and since those come with sparse amounts of cheese, this is why we chose to add extra (in the form of what I kept calling “synthetic cheese”). This fake cheese didn’t even melt on the pizzas, in a 450-degree oven for ten minutes.

Did not melt.

Fueled by a large appetite, I eagerly took a bite of my dinner pizza - and it was the most prominently disgusting thing I have ever bitten into in my entire adult life. The flavor of the “cheese” was akin to that of crafting paste (not that I know what paste tastes like, but one can assume…), and the texture wasn’t much different. As for my reaction to the sensation it left in my mouth - my mind went immediately to the image of one of my cats trying to release a trapped hair out of their mouth, using merely their tongue and erratic jaw-actions.

I spent the next five minutes using a butter knife to scrape the unmelted paste cheese off of my pizza (this was the only instance of it being fortunate that it hadn’t melted). I could now eat my cold, mostly cheese-less, and semi-topping-less pizza (as most of the other toppings had come off with the “cheese”).

To my dismay, I discovered that not only had I lost what was a fairly prominent appetite, but now my stomach was feeling queasy, having ingested several bites of this blasphemy to the world of cheese.

So, there lies the rest of my pizza in the trash, and here sit I with a stomach ache and the after-taste of Pepto-Bismol in my mouth. Even if I have to shell out a few extra dollars and cents in the future for actual cheese, I will look back at this experience with a heavy heart and remember that saving any amount of money was not worth my current anguish.

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